The one thing an be gauranteed about the down times is that as soon as they appear they vanish and ,as has happened so many times before, the light in my head went on and I got out of bed,put on my bike gear and went out for a ride.It was around 4:30 pm and if you had told me a few hours earlier,when I was trying to escape from the world,that I would be on the highway cranking out 60 kilometers of speedwork I would have told you to bugger off and leave me alone.It is so strange,these feelings that come over me in waves.I know it happens to other as well as I've seen it first hand but it is so hard to explain to those who have never seen,nor felt it,exactly what is happening.
Recently a freind posted on Facebook that feelings were something that you could control but I'm not sure if that person has herself suffered from,or ever had anything to do with somene who has suffered from depression.I am here to tell you that the onset of these feelings can't be controlled.It is learning to understand those feelings which allows you to react to them in a positive manner.If we all could control our feelings then the incidents of suicide would be a thing of the past.What I am trying to say is that unless you have dealt with these stupidly irrational but totally debilitating emotions that hit without warning then it is so hard to be able to understand them yourself.The first thing that people need to do is understand that however irrational it may all seem to them,to the person who it is happening to, those feelings are as real as the sun rising in the east every morning.
I have been out on training rides in the past ,and some in the not-so-distant past, where I was cruising along happy with the world when suddenly the dark clouds of my mind sent me into an emotional tailspin.I still don't know what triggers it but it is real and it can totally put me in a state where I am barely able to function such is the depth of the grief that overwhealms me.The sadness that suddely strikes is horrible and I have seen in others as well as myself and makes you question if it is worth living on.That's right,as irrational as it sounds,sometimes the blues that strike can be so bad that,while you don't necessarily contemplate suicide the simple fact is that,at that moment,you no longer want to live.There is a subtle but real difference.Hell I get that feeling all the time!...Does it mean I want to kill myself? No it doesn't.....Does it mean I don't really care if I live or die today? Yes it does,most definately!....If you asked me how I felt about that in January well I would have said that I now was part of something special and worthwhile and that all in the world was good.Now however,most of the time I really don't see the point anymore,I mean really does my life make a difference to anyone at all?It used to.I am one of the lucky ones though as I can sit here and quite calmly and rationally discuss it,much to the horror of some no doubt.,but most can't and because they can't rationalise it and learn steps to deal with it their lives fall apart completely.
What does it take to deal with it then?Well I can't speak for anyone else but for me it has always been the planning of and training for endurance events.My little epiphany came in the year 2000 around the time of the Sydney Olympics.I had really started to suffer from my first waves of depression but didn't realise it until I had quit my job,and isolated myself from everyone and I mean everyone.It became so bad that toward the end I had no money in the bank,I was weeks behind on rent and my diet consisted of anything that the lady at the local grocery store would let me take from the fruit and vegetables that she was about to throw away.The only thing I did do was go to the gym twice a day and train hard,really hard.My gym membership was sending my bank account deeper into debt but I didn't care,as long as I could still go to the gym and hurt myself it was great.The only sensation I recognised anymore was physical pain.That and stupidly hot showers which I had at regular intervals during the day.If I could have found a way to just go quietly in the night and not have to deal with all the dark thoughts anymore I would have welcomed it but it never came.
One day I went over to the backpackers hostel that I had stayed in a few times before and snuck on to one of their computers.I was checking out race sites and events that I only wished I could do when I came upon a race on an Australian running site.It was called "The Trans-Australia Footrace" and was to be a run from Perth In Western Australia to Canberra in Australias Capital Territory,a distance of some 4,000 kilometers.Well I couldn't be more excited and went home sraight away and called the race director.He told me that it was an invitation only event and that I would have to submit a resume and all that jazz.I asked him if I could just tell him right there and then and once I told him of my two Ultraman wins and my second placing at the Canberra Deca-Olympic Dist Triathlon he said that I would be accepted.That changed everything but what it didn't change was the reality that I was broke,in debt and unemployed,what could I do?I called an old friend.
My mate Lloyd was the guy who got me into Ironman triathlon in the first place.It was he who convinced me to go to Penticton in British Columbia for my first Ironman,it was he who showed me how to train,how to ride a bike and he even sold me his old bike so I'd have a decent bike to ride for my first Ironman.He was on my crew for my first Ultraman win,he gave me a new bike which I rode to my second Ultraman win and since then has sponsored me for a Double Ironman in Quebec and Ultraman Canada in Penticton.We have shared a lot in the twenty years we have known each other but it was that one phone call in 2000 that sealed our permanent friendship.We had a kind of falling out some time before and had not spoken to each other in a year or so but I could not think of anyone else to call.He owned a pretty successful bike building business and I looked up the number and called his office.His assistant put me through to him and when he answered I just said "Lloyd I'm in trouble,I need some money" and without hesitating he asked how much and what my bank details were.Within a day I had a few thousand dollars deposited into my acount.He saved my ass and that gesture is something I have never forgotten.I paid him back eventually but you can never put a price on that kind of friendship.It was a great lesson for me.
After that I pulled myself together and found myself two jobs,moved into the backpackers hostel and trained the house down to get ready for the run.I contacted a good friend and ultra-legend Bob Brown in England and told him about the race and he was totally up for it and he even said he would pay my $2,000 race entry if I could get him in the 26 man field.One phone call took care of that and we were both in.Sadly though,I could not get the sponsorship required to pay for the logistics of such a huge event and had to withdraw.My mate Bob went on to finish in sixth or seventh and then continued a stellar string of Ultra-runs to become one of Great Britains greatest ever ultra runners.One day,a couple of years ago he heard that I wasn't doing too well and sent me an email saying that if it wasn't for that one phone call from me telling him of the race in Australia he never would have ended up doing the amazing things he has done since his retirement from Ultra-triathlons in the '90's.Sometimes, when I feel like I've acheived nothing in this world,I read that email he sent me and it makes me smile.
From that year on it has always been the physical challenges of training for and racing these events that has kept me going.Even when my enthusiasm for the competiton waned half a decade later,I kept up the training but directed that physical endeavour toward a new love which was bike-touring.Anything to put myself in physical pain.The problem was my depression was taking hold more and more and I was functioning less and less.Work was fine but a social life and a sports life were out of the question and my health suffered right up to the beginning of this year when I made a decision to change.I had to make my health a priority if I was to spend the rest of my life looking after my new love.I couldn't do it if I wasn't happy with myself and even though I'd worked out a way of dealing with the emotional aspects of my illness the physical decline had to stop.That relationship,as you know,ended but my desire to change didn't and the struggle continues as I write this very blog.I am getting fitter,stronger and healthier but now I am beginning to wonder again,is there any point?There probarbly is but right now I just am having a hard time seeing it.
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