Association and Validation

  I wasn't supposed to be up here in Alaska on this current adventure and a few short weeks ago the thought had never crossed my mind.I was supposed to be somewhere else, starting a new life with the woman I love surrounded by friends, in a place I wanted to call home.How things can change in such a short period of time.My relationship was ended,I was rejected and my world collapsed around me.I was left stunned and my dreams shattered sending me reeling toward a place I had not visited for a very long time,the darkest corners of my mind.

 Firstly though,because many reading this know who she is, let me be very clear,you will never read nor hear a single word spoken in anger or disrespect for that one woman whom I still love an adore.She is a most wonderful person who made a decision which was best for her and regardless of how it has affected me what happened is and shall remain, between us.We are still friends and I feel privileged to still be able to play a small part in her life.Enough said!

 The process of grief goes on just the same though and one way I have found to deal with the dark times is to challenge myself physically.Whether it be a long endurance event or,as I have favoured over recent years, a long bike tour where I am able to immerse myself completely in the physical pain and direct the emotional pain of whatever situation in a more positive way.I have no doubt in my mind that I am not alone in doing so but equally I am sure that of the many ultra-athletes (or compulsive workers) I have met in my life many are doing exactly the same,except that they just don't know it.

  How many people do you know who seem obssesive in their own sadistic training programs?How many people do you know who,thanks to the modern social media,make their quest for the next great event more than just another race but their entire indentity?Many of these people find something in the punishment of  training and the validation of that effort by their peers that they lack in regular social interaction.The same scenario could be applied to almost any acivity where an overblown focus or sense of importance is applied to what is really nothing particularly incredible.I have seen it countless times and with the ever shrinking world of global social networking the phemomenon is growing rapidly.I know because I can see in others what I have been through myself.As someone who has spent months in miserable,self imposed isolation where I felt nothing ( and I mean nothing) to put myself through periods of intense pain or discomfort was a chance to feel something again.It doesn't matter that it hurt or I was still miserable in my soul what mattered was that I actually had a physical and emotional reaction to something.This is what people do not understand about those who suffer from depression,there are times when, YOU JUST DON'T FEEL ANYTHING!!!

  The dangerous side effect of pinning your identity to one event or project is that it may actually start to define you.Now that may be great when your world is a happy place but for those who are not so lucky that very definition of who they are may come back to haunt them.All you have to do is look at the tragic suicides of many a sporting legend.One would assume that the adulation of the fans and the associated financial rewards would be enough to fuel a happy exsistance but when the fans are gone and the adulation ceases,what then?Their very identity to which there whole life was pinned is gone and in many instances that person is left trying to explain to the world that there was always more to them than their public persona.The public though is very slow on the uptake generally and will make less of an effort with those on the downslide than those at the top of their  game.The result,well the number of celebrity suicides bears testament!

  In a smaller way,I have found the same thing happen to me in my quest for acceptance with my peers.Many years ago I was thrust into the sporting spotlight when I won an event in Penticton B.C, called Ultraman Canada (http://www.ultramancanada.com/) .It is a three day stage race triathlon which, in the grand scheme of things, is of little consequence.In my peer group however it was quite the big deal and I reveled in the recognition I recieved during those grand days when we were all young and fit.Heck,I even had a three time Ironman Hawaii World Champion tell me how in awe of the race he was and that he couldn't dream of competing in a race like that.Now that is some kind of validation!

  Over the years though I started to get a little sick of the tag of  "Ultraman Champion" because it seemed that my whole identity was associated with that race.Now,don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the event and will always be associated with it but for heavens sake there is more to me than a stupid triathlon.Not many people wanted to see that though.Whether it be seeking some kind of reflected glory or plain apathy on their part,very few people actually asked me about the rest of my life,it was always Ultraman.

  Shortly after my second Ultraman Canada win in 1999 my world started to cloud over as the darkness of depression start to take hold.I know what triggered it and not unlike now it was the loss of a great love and with that a loss of a family and of  purpose.I struggled along and over the years learned to deal with it all in my own way which invovled travelling to many and varied a destination for events and bike tours all the time solidifying my indentity as a world traveller who didn't want to settle down.Nothing could be further from the truth because a home and a family is all I ever wanted,the sport just helped me deal with the void that comes with being alone.I gradually became slower and more unhealthy in body and mind but continued to participate in events all over Asia and Nth America,the difference though was the way I looked,fat and unhealthy.With that change came a change in perception,a change in the way people who had known me before my health took a slide treated me.I'm not talking about casual aquaintances but my close friends.Whether real or imagined I felt like I had become something of a joke,a chariature of what I once was and it hurt!Please read again when I say,real or imagined,because this is what happens inside a muddled mind.Reality can and often will take a back seat so when you do doubt somene when they say that they feel one way or another please do not dismiss them so quickly for what they feel is,to them,reality.My reality,real or imagined, is one where I am about to find that, in the one place in the world where I am most happy,in the one place in the world I really feel is home,is in fact a place where I really don't belong.

  As I now try to come to grips with the twists and turns of my life,such that it is,I have decided to retrace my steps to where it all began seventeen years ago in a little town called Penticton when for a brief moment in time who I was and what I was, were one and the same.I would have dearly loved to have had the dreams of not so long ago come true but I have to move on and to do that I need to go back and reflect on what has happened on the long road I have travelled to get where I am today.

  In five short weeks I will return to compete in Ultraman Canada for the seventh time but this time I am not going to be competing for any great purpose, for any great cause or for the adulation of others.I'm going there to spend time with the only real family I have, my Ultraman family...