I thought,while I had some down time, that I would touch on a subject that a lot of folks don't want to talk about but most likely affects a lot of poeple you know,if not you,yourself.Body image.
As a lot of you know I have been going through a process of getting myself back in shape after a few years of packing on the pudge.For me the weight gain was a result of being pretty miserable most of the time and resorting to comfort eating and too much time spent trying to dull the emotional pain by drinking red wine.The funny thing about getting back in shape is that while most people would think that it is all roses and happy days,the fact is that sometimes it brings with it a different kind of pain.The pain of living up to the new found body that you are uncovering.Let me explain by telling you a story.
Many years ago I worked as Fitness Consultant at Fitness World in Victoria on Vancouver Island.It was a great job and I had all kinds of fun helping people get themselves healthy and in particular really enjoyed the social aspects of working at an upbeat health club.We of course,had our fair share of really good looking and buff staff and clients who set the standard of what was "the ideal " body for all to aspire.It was a really positive environment or so one would think.I thought so until I started to notice a thing or two about the social interaction between some of our reguars and one of our staff,her name was Cara.
Cara worked as a receptionist on the desk and she also used to give tours to walk in clients before handing them off to one of the floor staff like myself.She was one of the few staff members who,unlike the rest of us, never took advantage of the free use of the gym .I though it odd because she was young and pretty and seemed to be totally involved with almost everybody who was anybody at the club.The thing about Cara was,she was overweight.I never could understand why.She was active,popular with all the guys and most of the girls and was one of the most enthusiastic fans of the members who lost weight but she refused to do so herself.
I watched,fascinated for the longest time until one day it dawned on me.I was at the desk and Cara was surrounded by all these cool,fit looking guys who were planning a social night with some of the staff and members that weekend.Cara was the girl everyone sought out to organise that kind of thing and was always going to the bars with the guys after work but she never had a boyfriend and was treated like one of the boys.That day though,as they were chatting one of the part-time aerobic instructors came skipping down the stairs from the floor above and all conversation stopped.The girl in question was Katherine,a hairdresser who worked at the gym four nights a week and was an absolute doll.Seriously,she was in amazing shape and was as cute as they come as well.The guys always loved it when she worked as she didn't wear much and was quiet the flirty little thing.She was my hairdresser and we were good friends so when she came over to talk to me all the guys lost interest and went back to talking to Cara.
Kath and I went into the clubs juice bar for a coffee and while we were chatting I asked her about Cara.I was told that a year or so earlier Cara had decided to get herself in shape but just as she was starting to look like she was losing the weight she had a few personal issues with a couple of guys after which time she gave up working out completely.I wondered why,until Kath then told me she had started getting a little bitchy toward some of the aerobic instructors and that there had been some nasty comments swapped between a few clients and her and some of the guys had been pretty mean to her.Then it hit me,I kew why she decided to stop working out and put the weight back on.It was body image and acceptance of her as a certain part of the social food chain,as it were.
You see for Cara to attract the kind of attention that Katherine recieved every day just by waking up and walking out her front door,Cara would have to work out like a demon and if she was very lucky,after a long time, begin to be in the same category as someone like Katherine or the other little hotties.During that time the public perception of her would change.It would go from Cara,everybody's friend,mate,gal you hung out with,life of the party to,hey she doesn't look too bad,if she lost a few pounds I'd ask her out.At that moment in her life Cara was everyones friend and that was it.She didn't register on anyones sexual radar so nobody judged her by her body they judged her by her great personality and they loved her for it.As soon as she started to lose the wieght and look a bit fit the judgements started.What are you doing?Why are you trying to compete with the other girls?You will never look like her and so on and so on.It was cruel but what was worse was that her male friends changed,they no longer treated her as their mate but as a potential night of sex and that is what crushed her spirit in the end.They had totally dismissed the great girl that had been there in front of them for all those years and started to treat her like a cheap easy lay,how devastating for her!
It was that experience that made her give up on trying to be the fit,skinnier girl that she so wanted to be and made her instead got back to the heavy girl who hid who she wanted to be behind a body that was safer for her.She again became the life of the party but I know that was just an act as the look in her eyes every time a girl like Katherine walked into the gym said it all.Inside she was miserable and didn't have the strength to change.It was very sad.
My recent struggle with weight gain and loss has taught me a lot.It has taught me just how hard it is for someone who is overweight and ashamed of how they look to physically get out the door to train.It is not just the physical stuff,because you can always run/walk your way to weight loss.It can be the emotional side too,just like a couple of years or so ago when I was trying to start running again in Cairns and a car full of young punks drove by and one of them yelled "Go back to "MacDonalds you fat bastard".I don't think I tried to run again for a about four months after that incident.For me to go to the pool was never going to happen as I was so disgusted in how I looked so I just didn't swim even though I love it.This has carried on for the last few years but nobody ever took me aside and said,Nick,mate,you are turning into a fat bastard and THAT IS NOT OKAY!!!I wish someone had summoned up the courage to tell me that.
Now as I am nearing Penticton and another stint at Ultraman I will be stuck in the middle .On one hand there will be those who know me and will be amazed at how much weight I've lost and then there will be those who don't know me,have never met me but only know me as the guy who won two Ultraman's.They will all be in great shape and ready to race at the end of the month and will no doubt be wondering of me,what is that fat guy doing in Ultraman?
Body image is a funny thing and sometimes you just can't win!
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